As I've grown and learned over the last couple of years, embodying love is something that has come easier to me than it did before. I have learned to love people where they are, for who they are. I have practiced listening through a loving ear, with compassion and empathy. I have started to understand what it means to love every experience just as it is – without any regrets or “should haves.” I have been more open to being vulnerable enough to give and receive all kinds of love from/to all different kinds of people. For a long time, it was the inability to love myself and others unconditionally that held me back from evolution and transformation. But during and following my trip to Nicaragua, I experienced some of my biggest breakthroughs in regards to love (read here).
After being home for over a month now, I recognize that those revelations were possible because I was free of fear. What is fear? It’s an “unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” (Heavy emphasis on the BELIEF part, folks.) In Nicaragua, I confronted my fears head-on and felt like a superhero version of myself. I became very aware of what my fears are and how they hold me back in all aspect of my life, deterring me from connection, exploration, learning, and growth. My fears are all over the map -- The fear of being rejected by that person of interest. The fear of trying a new food. The fear of saying no and setting boundaries. The fear of being without financial security. The fear of straying from my diet and exercise regime. The fear of being judged for being myself. The fear of hurting someone's feelings. The fear of admitting I have changed my mind. The fear of failure and starting over. It’s pervasive! And while there is an undeniable link between fear and love (one cannot exist in the presence of the other), I felt drawn to redefine my blog as a place that I will be blasting through fear, which often involves a combination of me showering everything and everyone with love and establishing trust with myself and the Universe. Nicaragua was the birthing place for this new fear-blasting perspective, and it really came into focus on my flight home.
On the plane ride back, something beautiful and heart-wrenching happened. Sitting in my chair in first class, balling my eyes out, agonizing over the transition back to LA living, scribbling in my journal until my hand cramped up... a flip book of memories began to play. A series of small moments flashed before my eyes, from all different points in my life. It was like the final scene in a romance film, when they play a montage of memories that has led the lovers to this point and you suddenly feel overwhelmed and deeply sentimental about the journey they have been on together. It feels like you are truly seeing them for the first time. That's exactly how I felt. It was as if I was having an out-of-body experience, seeing myself from a higher place, observing myself objectively and with love. I saw all the places this person had been, from the 6 year old girl who would sneakily sleep on the floor next to her mom's bed after a nightmare, to the happy little girl who loved to sing at her grandma's Christmas parties, to the elementary school student who wanted to be the teacher's favorite, to the insecure middle-schooler who imagined all eyes on her as she walked down the hall, to the teenager who felt on top of the world when she turned in a book report, to the college student who was so deeply committed to discovering her calling, to the girlfriend who wanted more than her relationship could offer, to the novice traveler who trusted herself and the ocean enough to hop up on a surfboard... It all suddenly showed up in a flash. This poor little girl, I thought. This beautiful woman. This hard-working, determined soul. This resilient, yet sensitive human being. This person who so desperately wants to be free. Free from where she's been and trusting of wherever she's going. Free to live in the moment and love as hard as possible, without thinking about what loss may feel like.
I would like to center on going deep within myself. I’d like to learn more about what it means to be unleashed and deeply self-aware. I want to recognize any programming or background tracks that play out in my life – both the productive and the limiting ones. I’d like to clear out any resistance I have to being vulnerable, so that I can become more comfortable allowing myself to be seen and heard, and so that I can form deep, meaningful connections with others. I want to know and love myself so well, that I am open and eager to know and love others. I want to practice pure compassion and empathy for myself and others. And I am also open to challenging myself in ways that I may be playing the victim, excusing, or limiting myself. I want to tap into my strong, innate superpower and learn how to harness and release it. I want to feel alive, energetic, and charged in my own skin, and I want to share that electricity with others. I want to be wide awake and aware, and I want to be an inspiration to others, such that they want to be cracked wide open to experience their own inner magic. I want to be inspired and be inspiring. I believe that this is my path – my personal legend. I believe that this is the way to true love – love of oneself, love of others, and the best way to bring new people to love into my life. My mantra: I am a bright light bursting with love and excitement for this life I am blessed to lead.
Thank you for reading about my new intention. I adore any and all feedback I get, from your own thoughts on the topic to the experiences you've had that can relate and inform. Please share if you feel so inclined! Unleash your heart and mind in the comment section below.