Does that ever happen to you? It happened to me this past weekend - my birthday weekend.
While it was great to dance on a table, yell "this is my jam!" after every other song, and drink as much as I did in college, none of that is really how I, in my authentic state, define amazing. What is really amazing to me is a great, ass-kicking workout; a delicious brunch starring some organic eggs; a warm, timeless day at the beach; getting lost on a hike through a dense forest; a night in with my girlfriends; redoing my vision board; listening to a quirky audio book; a cozy alfresco homemade dinner by candlelight. Why didn't any of THAT come to mind when I was planning my birthday?
Is it about appearances? Did I think that what I like to do isn't interesting enough? Fun enough? Am I still stuck in the awkward high school phase where I would take a puff of a Djarum around my friends so that I wasn't just the prudish straight-A student who hoarded after-school club titles and gold stars? It can't be about that... because I am morbidly embarrassed at the thought of any stranger witnessing me on the night of my birthday and summing me up with the only information available: booty shaking, vodka shotting, table dancing birthday girl who wanted nothing more than to spend her special night like this... I mean what the HECK? No wonder why I felt so disconnected from my spirit and desperate to leave by the end of the night. I'm not that person. I don't enjoy doing the things that that person was doing.
Ok, you get it. I feel regretful and saddened that I chose to go there on my birthday. I look back at that night like a bad dream... like I was kidnapped from my centered, self-aware place and thrown into the Hunger Games as an insecure, bar-crawling, attention-craving 21 year old.
But I'm trying to be kind to myself. I took the next two days to reflect and just be with the real me. I did the things that the real me loves to do... I went to the movies, I did my yoga, I tried a Pilates class, I grocery shopped and made a healthy dinner, I spent time with my kitties, and I sat in the sun. I feel revived and I am slowing learning to forgive myself and to let go of the judgement. It's a slow climb, but writing this has, at the very least, helped me to laugh at myself and start to shake it off.
OH WELL! Right? The people who I most care about (and who care about me) know the real me. And I lived to tell the tale. Dusting myself off and getting a move on...
Thanks for reading my confessional. :)