10 May 2013


Whoa. My last post was in Decemeber (5 months ago?!) I have missed this safe space for sharing very much, and I'm going to make a concerted effort to get back into my writing groove. Why? Mostly because when I don't put my feelings/musings into complete sentences and give them the attention they need, they swim round and round in my head until I become so dizzy that I avoid addressing them.  That's actually what I'd like to write about.

In my yoga class a couple of weeks ago, my teacher read a great quote that resonated with me on a deep level. It's been on my mind ever since, but I haven't really taken the time to mull it over fully. So, here 'goes...
"What you resist, persists."
  BAM. RIGHT?! What you are resisting, will continue to persist. What you avoid, what you sideskirt, what you attempt to bury... it will keep knocking at your door. It will not give up. It will continually pester you until you address it - until you look it in the eye and take responsibilty for what it is, or maybe - for what you made it mean.

Something I noticed that I had been resisting for a while is saying "no." I would "yes" and "sure" and "no problem" to no end, short-handing myself and all the while finding myself in a constant state of resentment and frustration. The whiny victim in me asks everything from, "Why am I expected to finish this project so quickly when I have five other things on my plate?" to the ridiculous, "Why do all my friends and family members want to spend so much time with me?!" Feeling strapped for time, feeling rushed, feeling overwhelmed, feeling unheard. All of these sentiments are things that I must own, and refrain from putting on ANYone else. Why? Because all of these feelings are as a result of not saying "no" when I really should have. They exist because I haven't put my foot down and been authentic about what I can commit to. Whether it's making a deadline or making a birthday party, I am 100% responsible for communicating to others what I am cable of - what I want to do - what I will do, and what I don't want and won't do. 

It seems so simple. Say "no" when you can't or when you simply don't want to do something. Feeling like you need some personal time? Say no to that invite. Feeling overwhelmed at work? Push back on the things that need to wait. Don't apologize, it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you. Easy peezy! 

Not really. Human beings (my mermaid self included) have to struggle to be authentic on a daily basis. It is a living and breathing challenge to be honest and real with others, especially if you've gotten into the nasty habit of using lies (whole lies, white lies, half truths, the whole gamut) to avoid playing the good old fashioned honesty card. Why tell the truth, when you can make up a whole facade that seemingly wipes your plate clean of any real guilt or responsibility?! Yuck.

There have been countless times that I've used a white lie to get out of something because I'm too much of a coward to trust the integrity behind my "no." I make the "no" mean something. It could mean "I'm being rude," "I'm bring selfish," "I'm not X enough," "I am going to disappoint..." The list goes on and on. But really, what does "no" really mean? It means just that. It means "no." Period. You can go on and on about the reasons behind the no - you're tired, you need time alone, you don't have enough time, you don't want to. Doesn't really matter! Because at the end of the day, it doesn't involve anyone else. So don't let it involve anyone else. You're just doing yourself and the others you drag in a big disservice. 

And, something beautiful I've discovered in the past couple weeks of really practicing my "no's" and honesty is that it feels SO much better (ultimately) to be real with others than it does to keep up a running tab of lies and excuses. And, people appreciate the honesty and respect you for it! Maybe it will startle them at first, especially if you're an award winning excuse spewing machine (oops). But I'm finding that it isn't easier to be inauthentic. Even if it's been somehow ingrained into our heads that we should animorph into whatever the person experiencing us wants us to be. Your body, mind, and spirit truly do blossom and warm from the inside out when you are are authentic, including the times when you say "no."

Ask yourself what you've been resisting. What is something important to you that you've been giving up? What have you been pretending? Face that reality! Don't resist it anymore. It will persist and continue to nag at you until you get real and address it. It will weasel its way into the most unexpected places - your office, your home life, your familial relationships, your friendships, your productivity, your motivation... Resistance kills your momentum. So stare that beast square in the eyes, and watch it run away in fear of being discovered. Resistance can only thrive while you continue to live your life like it's not there.

P.s. I know you loved that use of animorph.

Sending love to all of you tonight!

No comments:

Post a Comment