Of course, this isn't anything strange or abnormal. I just felt compelled to share, as it's a good reminder that not all weeks are superhero-strong or emotional-wreck weak. It comes and goes, and the more we are open to experiencing whatever comes over us, the easier it is to look at ourselves objectively in whatever skin we are wearing today. Sometimes we are impenetrable, and every ounce of negativity that comes our way just ricochets off. Other times we over-analyze, take things personally, and make up stories, which allow that negativity to seep into and tricks our 'being' into identifying with it. It's easy for me to get caught up in the moment and just want to sulk - too afraid to admit what I'm doing to myself or the fact that I'm letting the pain-body BE me. But, it's even EASIER to detach from that misery ("why me?") when you've experienced what it feels like to quiet that monster.
Today I've found myself feeling unloved or forgotten. I've felt like I wanted to just curl up under my covers and see if anyone notices when I don't show up. It's such a pitiful thought process, of course. But there are times when it overwhelms me and feels so real. Then the stories start... stories about the past, stories about the future... and the present is left to suffer and wither away by the minute. It's completely exhausting, very counterproductive, and just wasteful. The now is so precious - and I've wasted countless hours taking it for granted with sad, sappy thoughts.
I see what I've been doing - I recognize that. I keep feeling like there's a sick part of me that keeps wanting to feel like that... unworthy, unwanted. But then I remind myself that it's not ME who wants to feel that: it's the pain-body trying to take over. It takes solid effort (complete stillness of the mind and total consciousness) to scare him off. I guess I just can't get lazy, because when the mind starts to wonder, he creeps back in.