10 September 2012


The last couple weeks, I have been blessed with peace of mind and mental stillness (as I described in my last post). I've been happy and busying myself with fun projects. I have been prioritizing myself and starting things that were tragically stagnant on my To Do list for so long. It's been great to allow more "me" time and to restore my confidence by completing projects on my own. But given the natural ebbs and flows of emotion, my strength has started to wear thin. The hamster in the wheel of my mind has started running again, and it's becoming hard to find that peace as the days go on. I've read my last post a couple times, trying to reconnect with that strength and the conviction that everything is always perfect and "okay" just the way it is. Nonetheless, I feel my heart aching these days and my mind is anxious and expectant. My heart and mind are feeding each other sadness and dejection in a vicious cycle that has already significantly eaten into the calm I blogged about just a week ago. 

Of course, this isn't anything strange or abnormal. I just felt compelled to share, as it's a good reminder that not all weeks are superhero-strong or emotional-wreck weak. It comes and goes, and the more we are open to experiencing whatever comes over us, the easier it is to look at ourselves objectively in whatever skin we are wearing today. Sometimes we are impenetrable, and every ounce of negativity that comes our way just ricochets off. Other times we over-analyze, take things personally, and make up stories, which allow that negativity to seep into and tricks our 'being' into identifying with it. It's easy for me to get caught up in the moment and just want to sulk - too afraid to admit what I'm doing to myself or the fact that I'm letting the pain-body BE me. But, it's even EASIER to detach from that misery ("why me?") when you've experienced what it feels like to quiet that monster.

Today I've found myself feeling unloved or forgotten. I've felt like I wanted to just curl up under my covers and see if anyone notices when I don't show up. It's such a pitiful thought process, of course. But there are times when it overwhelms me and feels so real.  Then the stories start... stories about the past, stories about the future... and the present is left to suffer and wither away by the minute. It's completely exhausting, very counterproductive, and just wasteful. The now is so precious - and I've wasted countless hours taking it for granted with sad, sappy thoughts.

I see what I've been doing - I recognize that. I keep feeling like there's a sick part of me that keeps wanting to feel like that... unworthy, unwanted. But then I remind myself that it's not ME who wants to feel that: it's the pain-body trying to take over. It takes solid effort (complete stillness of the mind and total consciousness) to scare him off. I guess I just can't get lazy, because when the mind starts to wonder, he creeps back in.

Last week I read this great quote, and it was such an enlightening reminder for myself. I always preach "don't be a victim" and "only you have the power." But feeling the way I have been, I know I've been giving my power to the past, and letting stories become my reality. I am the only one standing in the way of feeling loved and giving love today. That is intimidating and comforting all at the same time. Either I can choose to sit in the sadness and wait for someone else to pick me up, or I can choose to see the love in the life I have right now. And that's a lot. I have so much love to give - it is selfish to keep it  all bottled up and let the pain-body squash it. There are so many outlets that we can express our love: writing, singing, dancing, laughing... and none of these things requires another person. I think that we forget that love of self is a practice too, and that we don't need someone else to feel or express love. Love isn't sex, a date, a double-take, a kiss, a phone call, an email. Love is about acceptance, and none of those things exist without expectation. 

I feel my brow unfurrowing already. I'm okay... nothing is wrong - not unless I let it be. We can overcome the trying times if we just ask ourselves what we are presently being ruled by. If the answer isn't love, peace, or happiness, we probably are due for a tune-up.

Frank Ocean - Thinkin Bout You

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