18 March 2012


Patience is a virtue. It's a phrase I use to encourage my friends when the answers aren't readily presenting themselves. "Just give it time..." "The Universe will send you messages and encourage you towards what is meant to be..." "In retrospect, this will all make perfect sense." How hard it is to take that advice from myself, though. And what does that phrase even mean? Patience is a virtue... A virtue is something morally good - a desirable trait. So I suppose I should want to possess such a trait. And I sure as heck tell my loved ones that they should want it and embrace it too. It's funny how surprised I always am that the phrase does NOT say "Patience is a virtue and a damn easy one to practice." How unfortunate. But then again, it's not so unfortunate, because it's helping me draw awareness to my struggle. 

My meditation phrase for my date of birth is "Getting a fire started is much easier than extinguishing it." If you think about what that really says, you can understand why I struggle so much with patience. I live to light fires. Before a Taurus even finishes painting the idea of a fire, before a Leo can try to tell me how I should start it, before a Gemini can adapt to my actions, before a Capricorn can warn me to slow down, I already have the fire blazing. It's probably a really good fire too - perfect in the arrangement of the firewood and abundant with flames, dancing beautifully for everyone to see and admire. Sometimes that works out great! Something incredible is ignited and won't burn out until I decide to douse it. Other times, that once-admirable fire spreads wildly and takes a course of its own. And I'm left with the flint in my hand, wondering how everything got so out of control. But, I already know the answer to that question. I chose impulsive action over patience. I decided to write my own faith and see what the Universe thought of my idea instead of being open to what it has to offer me. 

Of course, we may all be too quick to jump the gun at times. Caught in the moment, feeling daring, reeling with encouragement, full of desire. And I want to live with no regrets, so I must embrace those kinds of moments when I give in to them. But I haven't always been committed to that kind of acceptance and living in the present. It used to feel better to paint that picture of myself as the ambitious, but impulsive, fire-starter who would feel guilt when camp fires became forest fires. And then the guilt ("I did something bad") would turn into shame ("I am bad"). However, lately, I notice that I have started planting little fire extinguishers in my life without even realizing it in the moment. I have been unconsciously practicing shame resilience - reaching out for support from people who are more calculative and steady, admiring patience in others instead of resenting it, really working on silencing the recordings that my mind sometimes tries to replay. It's as though painting that one-dimentional picture of myself allowed me not only to shatter the (no-room-for-growth) box I worked myself into, but also better equipped me to deal with my thoughts/actions when they do get ahead of themselves.

These fire extinguishers represent self-awareness. They could mean transformation is near! It takes enlightening readings, deep breaths, genuine sharing, and some amazing people for me to continue manufacturing the extinguishers and placing them strategically in the possible lines of fire. But this post tonight is encouragement for me in itself. I sat down to write about feeling like something was missing in my life and to more or less emotionally gush about how difficult it is to surrender my heart-filled desires and accept every moment as it comes. I wanted to write about my terrible relationship with patience and even considered doing/saying/predicting something impatiently. But I stopped myself. I got out of my own head, which has been jumbled with questions all day, and the answers started to come up in the writing. Sharing really is one way to nip shame in the bud (as the book I'm reading explains). I am not "bad" (weak, impatient, needy, underdeveloped, pathetic). I am choosing to accept all of the crazy emotions that I'm experiencing right now, for the sake of loving myself. Because I know I deserve that. We all do. And I can't love all of you if I can't do that for myself! So that's a pretty damn good reason to give it my all.

Make sure you give yourself a big hug today and thank the Universe for the course it is weaving. And quit trying to figure out what that course is. Because it's coming. Don't you even worry. (I've tried worrying and it doesn't work.)

;) xoxo

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