02 January 2012
The Art of Alone
Something that I have been resisting lately is being alone. This struggle is part of cultivating my own space and growing my relationship with myself. Learning to wholeheartedly love and accept myself and all that comes with me is a never ending journey. I can definitely chose to see this journey as something invigorating and exciting, rather than pinpointing my weaknesses or harshly judging my progress. My emotions, ebbing and flowing, sometimes lure me to a place where I forge a sad aloneness. While I'm never truly alone or without something to explore in myself, it's easy to rock myself into a fantastical yearning for another's presence and energy.
I find that blogging, organizing my space, and creating things are really helpful when I am feeling hopeless in my solitude. My first psychoanalytic instinct says that these are all healthy "distractions" from recognizing that I am without a friend or lover at the moment. But I can chose to see these more simply as hobbies and ways of nurturing myself. It's the times when I shut down and convince myself that being with someone else would feel infinitely nicer than listening to my own thoughts or learning more about myself that I really crave love from others. I daydream of a surprise visit and think up expectations of company, only to let myself down. This just illuminates the fact that I sometimes use the company of others to avoid confronting something in myself, or try to rely on someone else for things that I really should be extracting from within. I need to remember that "I am enough" and that I am truly 100% self-sufficient.
When I use blogging to examine myself objectively, it helps me to laugh and feel inspired to shake off the silliness I fuel with unrealities. Being alone is a beautiful thing - a time to get things done and probe myself for the tasks and thoughts that get lost when others are around. This is a sacred time to download the day and revisit things I may have skipped over; to research an unanswered question; to start that house project I've been delaying; to pamper myself with a bath or a movie night. It's not so bad after all...